Dos and Don’ts For You Insomniac Partner
If you are an insomniac
- Remember that often your partner needs as much support as you do. Show your appreciation when you can.
- Don’t let insomnia rule both of your lives. That’s not fair to either of you.
- Try and be less obsessive, and more chilled out. Take a long-term view: it will get better eventually.
- Be nice to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up or blame yourself for not sleeping. If you are nice to yourself, you will be much nicer to be around.
- Tossing and turning is usually more disruptive to most partners than reading in bed, or getting out of bed. Train yourself to be poker-still, or go next door.
If your partner is an insomniac
- Don’t tell us we had more sleep last night than we say. It doesn’t help, especially when it’s true. For us, the amount we think we’ve slept is our reality.
- Don’t tell us not to be obsessive. It only aggravates us more.
- Be supportive about lifestyle changes such as diet and exercise. These can really make a difference in many cases, so it’s in your interest to give them an opportunity to work. The same goes for relaxation therapies, however bizarre. If your insomniac partner needs to start chanting mantras at odd times of the day or night, or stand motionless outside in the cold for half an hour at midnight practicing Chi Kung, so be it. Console yourself that mantras have a calming effect on brain waves, and being still helps you discover yourself. Maybe you should try it, too?
- The nearer you can be a saint, the better. Eventually we’ll love you more, promise.
- TLC goes an awful long way. If we need to crawl into bed, or sleep in a different room, tuck us up nicely and whisper sweet nothings in our ear.
For both of you
- Physical contact and mutual support are important.
- Hugs work wonders and are the instant, easy way to make things more bearable. Do hugs as often as you can. Remember, there is no such thing as a bad hug only good one and great ones.
Do take your sleepless partner’s condition seriously and appreciate that for them it may be seem the most important thing in their life and affects everything they do and think.
Do understand that their lack of communication and negativity do not originate with you, nor are they really aimed at you, but sometimes you’ll get it in the neck ‘cos you’re there and your partner can be irritable with you more easily than with friends/colleagues.
Do try and appreciate how desperate, isolated, fragile and vulnerable an insomniac can feel. At the same time, try and help them see things more positively and objectively.
Do understand that insomniacs can become like hermits. Socializing can become a pain rather than a pleasure. You may find you have to undertake more social outings or other activities on your own, but always talk about it rather than letting a gulf open up.
Do encourage without badgering your partner to work at handling the effects of insomnia and working at improving the amount of sleep they get. If you have an interest, help them look for potential remedies: books, counselors, sleep clinics, etc.
Do try and be accommodating if your partner feels it necessary to develop a bedtime ritual, such as going to bed early/late, doing medication, primal screaming, reading in bed or going off to try and sleep in the spare room.
Don’t encourage them to obsess about their condition. Help nurture peace and tranquility rather than anxiety and brooding.
Don’t debate anything controversial with your partner late at night. Agree to discuss it earlier in the day, or wait until the next day.
Don’t put your own sleep at risk by adopting or allowing yourself to overly disrupt by your partner’s routine. It will make you irritable and them guilty. And two insomniacs are definitely not better than one.
Don’t say you have a bad night too, just because you only got seven hours instead of your usual eight. Missing the odd hour or two occasionally is not the same as only getting two or three hours for nights on end.
Don’t accuse them of not being romantic, affectionate or positive. It’s hard to be anything other than a shadow if you haven’t slept for weeks.
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